Charlie Cook On Air: Country Olympics Edition

We are just a week away from when the world converges on London for the start of the 2012 Olympics. The Olympics go back to about 778 BC. The Olympics have a few years on Country Music but there is a question about Little Jimmy Dickens. Apparently there is a photo of him in the first Triathlon.

I thought that it would be interesting to predict which Country Music artists would win specific events. Okay, interesting is a strong word, but you try to come up with 52 ideas for this column.

The original Olympics were held in honor of Zeus. We’re going to hold our version of the 2012 Olympics in honor of Scott Borchetta. Zeus too was the father of the sky and thunder. (As an aside…look up Zeus and tell me if he and Scott don’t go to the same barber.)

You know that NBC is providing Olympic coverage on every possible transmission form. Along with their TV networks, you will be able to view the events online and on your smartphone.

I reached out to CMT and GAC but they had no interest in our country version, so your humble reporter will be your only source for these games.

For the London Olympics countries staged time trials and preliminary events to choose the best athletes to represent their respective nations. In this version I chose the contestants and the winners. This way I could cut the two week competition to about 700 words on this page.

Okay, let’s get right to it. First a word from our sponsor: The 2012 Country Music Version of the London Olympics is brought to you by Country Radio everywhere. Tune one in today.

The US Basketball team has been in the news lately with the Dream Team verbally squaring off against this year’s team. No such controversy with our Gold Medal winning team of:
Blake Shelton
Hunter Hayes (every team needs a point guard)
Trace Adkins
Charles Kelley
Taylor Swift

Shooting
Gold: Craig Morgan
Silver: Miranda Lambert
Bronze: Rodney Atkins
I was tempted to make a smart aleck remark here, but we have already established that these three people are armed and are good shots.

Gymnastics
Gold: Kellie Pickler
Silver: Carrie Underwood
Bronze: Sara Evans
This is going to be the most beautiful balance beam ever.

Weightlifting
Gold: Zac Brown
Silver: Toby Keith
Bronze: Lee Brice
This was very close. The order was decided on who I thought I might run into first. Plus these guys are all helping hold up their respective labels.

Judo
Gold: Kenny Chesney
Silver: Kimberly Perry
Bronze: Darn, I wish I hadn’t used Hunter Hayes earlier.

Fencing
Gold: Brad Paisley
Silver: Rodney Atkins
Bronze: John Rich
Okay here I cannot depend on your getting the connection of fencing and rapier wit so I am just going to point it out. Otherwise this makes no sense. And cut me a break on using Rodney twice after saying I wouldn’t with Hunter. This is a lot harder than it looks.

Diving
Gold: Taylor Swift
Silver: Dierks Bently
Bronze: Eddie London
This is kind of an inside joke for the Bronze. You would have to have been around Country Music for a long time. And chill out, Taylor and Dierks were not hurt badly.

Wrestling
Gold: Tim McGraw
Silver: Mike Curb
Bronze: The rest of us.

Swimming
Gold: Keith Urban
Silver: Jason Aldean
Bronze: Gary Allan
This one is strictly for the female fans. I am not sure if any of them can even swim.

And the most important of all of the events: the Decathlon. This takes strength, perseverance and the willingness to focus all of your energy on just these ten events. The most important ones for our contestants are DISCus throw, pole vault (the ability to jump others on the chart), the high jump (I will also accept the highest entry) and the marathon. This was a tough one but based on MY criteria:
Gold: George Strait
Silver: Tim McGraw
Bronze: Randy Owen

I hope that you enjoy the 2012 London Olympics. I hope that we hear the “Star Spangled Banner” after every event. Good luck to the USA team.

(The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of MusicRow.)