Updated: Kidnappers’ Demands

doris

Photo taken 11/19

[UPDATED 11/19]

Subject: Miss Doris: Our demands

We are YeHawd – an army fighting for the common good of our people.

She talks so much we have been force to gag her. We don’t care how much she misses talking to people when they wait for the elevator. We don’t care how long she has known Garth Brooks,

Craig Wiseman, Alan Jackson, Dierks Bentley or “that sweet little” Brad Paisley.

We demand $5,000,000 for the safe return of Ms. Doris. We wanted $10,000,000, but we are willing to take just $5,000,000 as her guards have taken a liking to her.

The money should be in unmarked bills. Leave the cash in a brown paper bag on the loading dock of the old Sony Records building (the old Quonset Hut location) this Saturday.

Remember. Aspirin bottles.

doris

Miss Doris

[11/16] Miss Doris, the smiling face who stood guard at the ASCAP elevator for the last 17 years, was abducted over the weekend. The MusicRow staff received a mysterious ransom note this morning from the bandits.

We identify ourselves only as YeHawd – an army of people fighting for the rights of our people. We have Miss Doris. She is fine for now. Only a few cuts and scratches – the old girl can put up a fight. Yet she has not complained. She continues to stand for women everywhere.

We are holding Miss Doris for ransom and will contact you later with our demands. If our demands are met, Miss Doris will be returned unharmed. But, if our demands are not met we WILL send her to an aspirin factory where she will be dismembered and inserted in aspirin bottles.

Connie Bradley, ASCAP’s Nashville leader and longtime friend to Miss Doris, was so distraught she was not able to comment on the situation.

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Sarah Skates has worked in the music business for more than a decade and is a longtime contributor to MusicRow.

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